Alan Carr is the best – and worst – Traitor we’ve ever had

This article contains spoilers for episode two of ‘The Celebrity Traitors’

Over the last three series, The Traitors has seen a wild variety of gameplay from its murderers. There was Wilf, who exploited his friendships to get himself to the final in the first series. In 2024 we had the double act of Paul and Harry, who deviously plotted together before throwing one another under the bus. And who can forget Linda, the worst Traitor we’ve ever had, who gave herself away immediately by looking at Claudia Winkleman when she addressed the killers.

But now, with the arrival of The Celebrity Traitors, we have been introduced to the best Traitor to ever play the game: Alan Carr. And when I say best, I mean worst – but certainly the most entertaining.

I couldn’t quite believe it when, on Wednesday’s first episode, the comedian and TV presenter told Claudia that he wanted to be a Traitor. After all, he had told the celebrities in his car on the way to the castle that he was going to “fly under the radar”. It seems Carr was as taken aback by his own ambition as I was – the declaration was delivered alongside nervous giggles and caused the usually steely Winkleman to briefly break character: “Oh Alan!”

But the second he was tapped on the shoulder at the roundtable, his fate as a Traitor sealed, the regret descended. “Oh god. I feel sick,” he said, his usual cheeriness replaced with genuine fear. “I thought I wanted to be a Traitor, but I have a sweating problem, and I can’t keep a secret… What am I going to do?”

Carr is a beloved household name for a reason. He’s hilarious, self-deprecating, and willing to be silly. He is, as we’ve found out, naturally nervous and completely unconfident in his own abilities to – in his words – “fly under the radar.”

The second the celebrities took their blindfolds off, Carr couldn’t keep the grin off his face. How no one accused him there and then, I’ll never know. Worse still, he started throwing accusations around immediately, pointing out Celia Imrie and Clare Balding – who he nicknamed “Rosemary and Thyme” – as people who had “Traitor written all over them”. Talk about attracting attention.

And things only got worse. After donning his cloak (which made him look uncannily like ET) and discovering Cat Burns and Jonathan Ross were his Traitors in arms, it was decided that he and he alone could get away with the task of murdering a Faithful face-to-face. He would not be the “PR face” of the trio at all. He’d be getting his hands dirty – literally – by touching a player on the face and poisoning them. I’ve never seen someone so overcome with dread.

I went into tonight’s episode wracked with worry that Carr was going to be sniffed out and banished. Instead, I came away convinced that Carr is an excellent Traitor. Not on purpose of course – his decision to kill off his old pal Paloma Faith was borne out of pure necessity; she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. But in doing so, he threw the suspicion off himself. Why on Earth would he want to kill his mate?

There was another moment of panic when, at the roundtable, he was asked whether Paloma had any suspicions over who would want her gone. “There were two names,” he blurted out, before realising that anyone he named would throw the suspicion back at him. “But I couldn’t get it out of her,” he quickly followed. Somehow, they all bought it and swiftly moved on.

So, is he a good or a bad Traitor? The answer is both – he’s bad at the game, but fantastic entertainment. Even only two episodes in, the series simply wouldn’t be the same without him.

Carr won’t last very long in the game, but he’s already survived longer than his nervous disposition and terrified expressions should have allowed. Turns out I’ve underestimated him – and so has everyone else in that castle.

‘The Celebrity Traitors’ continues on Wednesday at 9pm on BBC One