For years, Jenny* thought it was odd how her ex-partner always seemed to be at the front gate to her house when someone came to meet her.
She had broken free of the abusive relationship, but he still managed to remain present in whatever she was going, or who she was meeting.
Living in a small village, and him still living close by, she understood people bump into each other – but almost every day?
“I went crazy,” she said. “Whenever people came to visit me, he would be there, asking them ‘what are you doing seeing her’, ‘what are you doing’. I didn’t understand it, how could he know? Then, it suddenly clicked.”
For two years, Jenny was oblivious to the fact she was not the only person using her email account.
Also with access, was her ex-partner, who used the account they once shared for a business they ran, to monitor every movement she was making, and to stalk and harass her.
He even impersonated her by sending emails to others, often rude messages to family and friends.
“Every part of my life was under his control,” the 62-year-old said. “I thought I’d left the controlling relationship, but if anything, he stepped up his obsession in me, and I was unaware he was even doing it.
“I only caught him by sending an test email to a friend, saying I’m going to run away. He went absolutely ape, and then I knew. It was horrifying, realising I’d been under his surveillance for years.”
The former couple had been together 10 years.
She was grieving over the loss of someone close, and, with charm and politeness, he befriended her quickly, soon moving into her home before promising a new start with the joint opening of a business in a rural village.
But a year in, he became controlling over her family, friendship and finances – and over the subsequent years, the relationship turned abusive. After a decade, Jenny bravely ended the relationship, and forced her ex-partner to move out.
He, however, only moved a few streets away – and the coercive behaviour worsened.
“I started noticing things move around the home,” Jenny said. “The book of bookings for the business would disappear then reappear. Things like saucepans would be moved around. I thought I was going mad, but it was him breaking in my home. It was classic gaslighting.
“It went on for about a year, until I installed CCTV – but he was still able to monitor everything. He got access to the email I used for work. He was able to know every movement I made, and he was everywhere. It was stifling.”
Jenny said she called police on numerous occasions, but each time it would lead to nothing. She even presented a diary with three years’ of evidence of stalking, but she said the force was not interested.
Only three years after their relationship ended was she able to sell the business and home, and move to a secret location, leaving behind friends and family, and having to start her life again, still anxious over who was watching over her.
“I still get nightmares,” Jenny said. “It was traumatic, and the impact stays with you. It’s not been easier, coming to a new place, making friends. But it’s what I’ve had to do, I was totally let down by police.”
Controlling or coercive behaviour became a criminal offence under the Serious Crime Act 2015, which was then amended four years ago to include victims who did not live with the offender, or who were ex-partners – crucially, after Jenny reported her abuse to police.
According to police data, there were 49,268 offences of coercive control recorded by forces in England and Wales in the year ending March 2025, an increase from 44,538 from a year before.
Yet the likelihood of someone being charged from a report is low. A BBC investigation this year revealed that seven per cent of reports to Surrey Police of coercive behaviour led to someone being charged.
Jenny said: “The cases can be complex and take time to solve, which is why I fear too often they don’t get the proper treatment. I’d like to see more resources put in place to help tackle the abusers.”
Jenny did receive some support, however. She got advice from a Aberystwyth University project called Dewis Choice, the first dedicated service for older people suffering from domestic abuse.
The body recently issued a guide to tackle the technological threat of offenders, and the organisation is keen to highlight the plight suffered by older victims of abuse.
Rebecca Zerk, co-lead of the Dewis Choice project, said: “As more services shift online, increasing numbers of older people rely on family members or caregivers to manage digital tasks on their behalf.
“Without direct control over their online accounts, older adults can be at heightened risk of exploitation by the people closest to them.”
ACC Claire Bell, deputy director of the National Centre for Violence Against Women and Girls and Public Protection, described coercive and controlling behaviour as a “insidious offence”, adding it often left victims trapped, isolated and vulnerable.
She said it was “vital” officers recognise risks, and exercise professional curiosity to look beyond the immediate situation in front of them.
She the unit was helping officers identify and respond to incidents with training and the providing of a domestic use risk assessment tool.
She added: “We’ve made progress in the way that police identify and respond to coercive or controlling behaviour, which is reflected by increasing numbers of offences recorded and improved charge rates across the country, but we know there is more to do.”
A Home Office spokesperson said the government was committed to halving violence against women and girls within a decade, and more than 80 per cent of police forces in England and Wales now had specialist training on recognising coercive and controlling behaviour.
They added: “Every victim of coercive or controlling behaviour deserves to feel safe, supported, and confident in reporting their experiences to the police. No one should feel unprotected or fear that justice will not be served.
The police force which investigated Jenny’s case said its investigation was closed due after a review of the evidence found there was not a realistic prospect of conviction.
A spokesperson for the force, which The Independent is not naming to protect Jenny’s anonymity, said: “As a police force, we are committed to working towards the elimination of domestic abuse, stalking and harassment.
“As such, our officers have investigated each report made by the complainant in this case, providing tangible safeguarding measures and advice throughout the process.”
Last year, Nationwide and Refuge partnered with The Independent on the Brick by Brick campaign, which has created a second purpose-built home for women fleeing domestic abuse.
The national domestic abuse helpline offers support for women on 0808 2000 247, or you can visit the Refuge website. There is a dedicated men’s advice line on 0808 8010 327
* The victim’s name has been changed in order to protect her identity
