These sorts of programmes live and die by their colourful characters – but there are few to be found on Supercruising
It’s been a bad week for cruise ships. First there was the young girl who fell overboard in the Bahamas, swiftly pursued by her heroic dad. Then Cannes followed Venice, Nice, Barcelona and Amsterdam in becoming the latest city to ban or restrict giant cruise ships.
Finally, Netflix’s new documentary Trainwreck: Poop Cruise told of how in 2013 a fire caused a ship to be cast adrift without power in the Gulf of Mexico. With the toilets no longer flushing, the 4,200 people aboard spent four days defecating into plastic bags. But if that’s the nightmare version of cruising, then Channel 4’s new series Supercruising: Life at Sea is all about selling the dream.
This extended advert for a Dutch-American company follows two of their ships: one that is sailing 3,000 passengers from Dover to North Africa, and another that is ferrying a similar number around the Caribbean. The series is very much in the vein of all those other Channel 4 programmes about five-star hotels. Quite why a broadcaster whose self-described remit is to be “innovative and distinctive and inspiring change” is commissioning all this luxury lifestyle fluff is a mystery. Perhaps the change they wish to inspire is a revulsion against such bloated, unsustainable tourism.
Anyway, Supercruising: Life at Sea is full of the usual impressive-sounding but meaningless facts, such as how passengers consume 750kg of lobster each week (how many of us can envisage what just 1kg of lobster looks like?). The ships’ 12 restaurants are apparently led by “world-renowned chefs”, although nobody I have ever heard of. As for prices for these luxury 14-day jaunts – that’s one fact that’s conveniently omitted.
The script reads like a particularly unimaginative tourist brochure, the only whisper of a grumble coming from cruisers Pam and Barry from Lincoln, who happily admit to “SKIing” (spending the kids’ inheritance) on their cruise habit. Forced to wait in line for a sleigh ride down the winding streets of Madeira’s capital, Funchal, Barry stoically reflects that “we’re British, so we’re used to queueing”.
There’s no hanging around in the Bahamas, where the passengers are being efficiently ferried to a private island owned by the cruise company. Its horseshoe-shaped beach is swept each morning to suggest that visitors are stepping onto pristine sand instead of a shoreline that had been trampled on by thousands of tourists the day before, and every day before that.
The most adventurous excursion offered on the island is a horse-ride through the surf. But despite the soundtrack doing its best to make this feel exciting, the nearest thing to jeopardy comes when Shawna from Kentucky slips a bit in her saddle before being swiftly uprighted by one of the guides.
These sorts of programmes live or die by their colourful characters, but interesting personalities are not in evidence here. The Dutch captain, Eric Barhorst, is rather sweet, hankering after shore leave with his wife and two cats. And security officer Rich Fontaine has a mildly interesting aside about having to confiscate passengers’ personal steamers and kettles (a fire risk, apparently). But nobody really stands out.
There is a segment of the population who love this form of holiday, and it’s they who I imagine might be tempted by this series. But before anyone is inspired to book a cruise, they might wish to take a peek at Netflix’s Trainwreck: Poop Cruise first. After all, it’s not always as plain sailing as Channel 4 makes it look.
‘Supercruising: Life at Sea’ continues next Thursday at 8pm on Channel 4
